The Art of Saying No Without Saying 'Sorry'
- Judy Sims
- 14 hours ago
- 5 min read
I bet you've been in this situation. You've been in back-to-back meetings all morning when your phone buzzes. It's a colleague (who you actually really like) asking if you can "jump on a quick call" to review something or other. Your calendar is already packed and you're up against a 3:30 PM deadline. Your fingers hover over the keyboard, and you catch yourself typing: "I'm so sorry, but..."
Stop. Right. There.
Why "Sorry" Undermines Your Professional Boundaries
When you apologize for having limits, you're essentially saying your time and priorities are less important than everyone else's. This habit is particularly prevalent among women in leadership—we've been socialized to smooth over every potential conflict, even when we're simply protecting our capacity to do our actual jobs. In fact, many of my clients feel incredibly guilty if they put themselves and their work first even if they're on a deadline. And I've had a few who have missed a deadline to serve someone else's needs.
The truth though, is that declining a request isn't something that requires an apology. It's a fundamental skill of effective leadership.
Research from the University of Waterloo found that women apologize significantly more often than men in professional settings. But here's the key insight: it's not because women are overly apologetic by nature. Rather, women tend to have a lower threshold for what they perceive as potentially offensive behavior, leading them to preemptively apologize in situations that don't warrant it. And of course women worry about being offensive, we've been trained since we were todlers to be easy, pleasant, and helpful.
The Real Cost of Over-Apologizing
Every unnecessary "sorry" chips away at your professional presence. It suggests:
Your priorities are flexible (even when they're not)
You feel guilty for having boundaries
You might be persuaded if someone pushes harder
You're asking permission rather than making decisions
When you're trying to advance from director to executive, these subtle signals matter. C-suite leaders need to demonstrate confidence in their decision-making, including decisions about how they allocate their most precious resource: time.
The Framework: Acknowledge, Decline, Redirect
Instead of apologizing, use this three-part structure that maintains relationships while holding firm boundaries:
1. Acknowledge the request Show you've heard and understood what's being asked.
2. Decline clearly State your decision without hedging or over-explaining.
3. Redirect (when appropriate) Offer an alternative that works for you or point toward another solution.
Let's see this in action.
What to Say in Common Scenarios
The "Quick Question" That Isn't Quick
Instead of: "I'm so sorry, I'm just really swamped right now. Maybe later?"
Try: "I can see this needs attention. I'm not available today, but I have 20 minutes on Thursday at 2pm if that works for you."
Why it works: You've acknowledged the request, given a clear no to the timing, and offered a specific alternative. No apology needed—you're simply stating your availability.
The Project That Doesn't Align With Your Goals
Instead of: "Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think I'm the right person. I wish I could help!"
Try: "That's outside my current focus areas. Have you considered reaching out to [specific person or team]? They'd be better positioned to support this."
Why it works: You're being helpful by redirecting, not apologizing for having a defined scope of work.
The Meeting Invitation You Need to Skip
Instead of: "I'm so sorry, but I don't think I can make it. Sorry for the inconvenience!"
Try: "I won't be able to attend. Could someone share the meeting notes? I'm particularly interested in the decisions around [specific topic]."
Why it works: You're declining and demonstrating continued engagement without suggesting you've done something wrong.
The Request From a Senior Leader
Instead of: "I'm really sorry, but I'm completely overwhelmed right now. I feel terrible saying no..."
Try: "I'm committed to [your current priority projects]. To take this on, I'd need to deprioritize [specific work]. What would you recommend?"
Why it works: You're showing strategic thinking and inviting them into the prioritization conversation rather than simply refusing or over-apologizing.
The After-Hours Request
Instead of: "Sorry, I'm just trying to have dinner with my family. Can it wait?"
Try: "I'm offline for the evening. I'll review this first thing tomorrow morning and get back to you by 10am."
Why it works: You've set a clear boundary and provided a timeline for when you will respond. Your personal time doesn't require justification or apology.
When an Apology IS Appropriate
Let's be clear: there are times when "sorry" belongs in your response.
Apologize when:
You've actually made an error or missed a commitment
You're delivering genuinely disappointing news that affects someone
You've changed previously agreed-upon plans
Don't apologize for:
Having a full calendar
Protecting your focus time
Declining work that doesn't align with your role
Enforcing reasonable professional boundaries
Being unavailable outside work hours
Advanced Techniques: Making Your "No" Stick
The Broken Record Method
If someone pushes back on your boundary, simply restate it using slightly different words. Don't elaborate, don't justify—just repeat.
"I understand this is important. I'm not available for this timeline."
"I hear that it's urgent. My capacity is fully committed through [date]."
The Strategic Pause
When hit with an unexpected request, buy yourself time: "Let me check my commitments and get back to you by [specific time]." This prevents you from defaulting to "yes" in the moment.
The Clarity Close
End your decline with a period, not a question mark. "I won't be able to take this on" is stronger than "I don't think I can do this?" The latter invites negotiation; the former states a decision.
Building Boundary Muscles: Start Small
If apologetic language is deeply ingrained, changing overnight isn't realistic. Start with low-stakes situations:
Practice on email first (you can edit before sending)
Begin with peers rather than senior leaders
Focus on one type of request (maybe meeting invites)
Track your "sorry" count for a week to build awareness
Remember, this is a skill you're developing, not a personality flaw you're fixing. Every senior leader you admire has learned to protect their time and priorities. Now it's your turn.
The Relationship Question
"But won't people think I'm difficult or unhelpful?"
Here's the reality: people who respect boundaries tend to respect the people who set them. When you demonstrate clear priorities and consistent decision-making, you're showing leadership qualities that actually enhance your professional reputation.
Colleagues learn to:
Bring you requests that truly need your expertise
Respect the time you do give them
Think through asks before coming to you
Value your contributions more highly
The people who get frustrated by your boundaries often struggled to respect them anyway. Their discomfort is not your emergency.
Your Challenge This Week
Choose one situation where you typically apologize for having boundaries. Use the Acknowledge-Decline-Redirect framework instead.
Notice what happens. Most likely? The sky doesn't fall. The relationship doesn't implode. And you've just reclaimed a piece of your professional authority.
Setting boundaries isn't about being harsh or unhelpful. It's about being honest about what you can genuinely commit to and deliver well. That's not something that requires an apology.
It's called leadership.
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